Self-acceptance. It's the best it can get.

Teenage is a golden age for some, really troubled for some and a mix of both for the rest. It's a period when we go through changes both physically as well as mentally. Everyone is obsessed with what others think of them. They perceive themselves based on what others think of them. For the longest period of time I did too. Not a day went by when I didn't try pleasing people, changing myself, molding myself in order to gain acceptance from people and you know what I have to say about it? It's a tiresome process and the results are not even 1% worth it. Hell it's not even 0.000001 % worth it. Mind you I changed a lot of schools, so I had to start this process of people pleasing from square one at least half a dozen times. I tried so hard to fit in that I never really "fit-in". I don't know what I did but I always seem to push people's buttons. They never liked me and I'll never know why or maybe I do and don't want to accept it. Psst... Ego, it's a sad little thing. I have bend over backwards for people all my life, for people who never actually cared. Maybe I was an easy target or maybe I openly showcased my flaws. With every school I changed it was something or the other. I wore a sweater to school all year around one year just to not get mocked at my skin allergy. In another it was my weight. It's always been that. I don't know what joy people get out of fat-shamming. There were times when I would go on to an another floor, cry on the staircase and no one would even noticed I wasn't around. Teachers and students alike never liked me. For some I didn't even exist, I was that dead student who just sat there occupying space in the class and the attendance register. There's this saying If you are not liked by everyone, then you are doing something right. I don't know what I was doing right that I wasn't liked by almost everyone and in such a wider demographic. 11 schools, yep that's how many I changed and I barely have friends from any of them, only have a few and that too from the last school I studied in. As a teenager, Yes that bothered me a lot.  But what could I even do? It's already a pressure to be a teenager and fit in. But if you have to do it every year in a completely new surrounding. That's just sad. People who continuously move go either way either they are completely out going or they are completely withdrawn. I was stuck mid way between going from latter to former. Being in between is never fun. This isn't the well-balanced between, the mediocre living that people are so satisfied of living. This from a teenager's point of view is their own personal hell and who likes being in hell? You eventually grow out of it as you grow older. You start to realize it doesn't matter, people don't matter, what they think of you doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day it's just you. wholesomely and completely you.  Whether you like it or not. That's the deal and any day you should opt for your own demons rather than others'. It might break you, tear you apart but in the end you'll come out stronger(like a diamond in the rough), for better or for worse but it will be you. At the end of the day that's all that should matter . You and just you. Others? well they are busy following the same damn rule. If I look at the brighter side I always had a chance for a do-over, for a start-over. Each year that  I moved to a different city, I could have changed who I'm and be someone I'm not and get that validation, the approval I so badly craved as a teenager. But life doesn't work that way, wherever you move, wherever you go, you are going to be you, that's a cold harsh reality one needs to learn to make peace with. You are always going to perceive yourself to be someone who you are not, someone you wish to be and more often than not you are going to fall short of it. In the end the only validation that matters is of yourself, the only acceptance that matters is of yourself. Make peace with yourself before anything else, you'll feel better. You'll sleep better. People won't admit it but they secretly and sadistically rejoice over your misery and again there's nothing you can do about it but then again you would hardly ever come to know about it since people are so good at faking sincerity and if they can fake that, voila they don't need anything else, all they have to do is just sit back, watch the ticking time bomb that you are and wait for you to run out of time. Bottom line is that self-acceptance is the best acceptance you can get. Take it and get out of that misery and the solitary confinement you've put yourself in, voluntarily. Get out of it and be genuinely happy instead of faking it. Even if you have to do it all alone it's okay. It can be scary the first time, but you'll get the hang of it and trust me on this. It's the best feeling ever. It took me all my teenage to understand that and I can finally say I'm so over it.

You are better off alone

One needs to learn to walk away from toxic relationships to find blissful happiness. These relationships do not constrict to romantic relationships. It can be friendships or even unbreakable family ties. The ones that are biologically made to not hurt you. Yes, that's right. They hurt too. don't be in denial. Not with your own self at least.

•  If they are emotionally draining and mentally straining, it's time to walk away. 

• If they make you second guess yourself, it's time to walk away. 

• If you are making too much effort, one sided effort, then it's definitely time to walk away.

It's not worth it. No matter how much gratitude you are trying to express for whatever they have done for you. They might have moved mountains for you once but not anymore and if you have no place in their lives neither should they in yours. If you are going out of your way to keep them in your life, you should hit pause and ask yourself. Is it really worth it?

Maintaining relationships shouldn't be so hard. There are enough things in life that exhaust us, people especially the ones we love shouldn't be one of them. And while we are discussing people here. Let's also discuss about the impact they have on us and how we perceive ourselves to be. Yes yes we have all heard the "Don't define yourselves based on others". Well if you have been there, you know it's not easy. Kudos to those who can. But for those who can't its going to be a downward spiral. Don't worry you aren't alone.

They are people who find sadistic pleasure out of breaking a human. I will never understand how they are so much at peace with themselves doing that, by totally ruining a person for good.


But no one is going to be like

They are just going to fuck around with you until they can, maybe that's their defense mechanism. But hell no, not at the cost of someones' peace of mind. And the sad part is, you let them. (Lucky for them though.) No questions asked. No matter what. While suffering in silence and of course complaining about it to people who can't do anything about it and if they come up with an apt suggestion such as lets say "Walk away" all you can say is "Only if it was that easy" well that's true too. It isn't easy. It just isn't. Been there, Done that. So I know it isn't. But nothing is going to change until you make an effort. An effort to walk away for your own good. You don't need such love. What you don't realize is that not only are you robbing yourself from some good lovin' but you are also giving their ego something to feed on and once they are done with you (which the eventually will) they will find another likewise soul to prey on.

And if you worry that you will not find anyone like them again in your life. You are wrong, you wonderful human being. You will not only find people who would move mountains for you but also not escape the very chance they get to go away from you. And if you think you are not wrong then good, you don't need people like that, you are better off alone. Way way better. Happy and self satisfied. Without anyone trying to ruin you in every way possible. Not just to feel good about themselves but for pure entertainment sake. You deserve much better. Even if the 'Much Better' is you, yourself.

Things that go on in the mind of an average girl (Don't even try denying it)

• Aggrr... I have nothing to wear (READ: My fav top is gone for wash)

• How can I eat without getting fat?

• Ooo she's getting fat I'm secretly(READ: Sadistically) getting pleasure out of it.

• What does he see in her? She's such a bitch(READ: Choose me you idiot)

• Is one of my  boob bigger than the other or is it just in my head?

• I wish I was a guy! Who wouldn't want the ability to pee standing up?Huh?

• How long should I wait before I start showing my true colors and not seem like a psycho controlling bitch?

• Who's that Bitch with him on his Instagram profile 128 weeks ago? They seem close! This is upsetting. Could it be a cousin? Who got married and has kids by now? I'll have to stalk her now. Oh Damn account is private.

• The dress at the mall. I'll have to sell my kidney to own it.

• Period! Why don't you go to a far away land and never return? Ever?

• Oooo Chocolate! Yumm!!!!

• Oooo Cute guy! Yumm!!!!

• Geez... Why wouldn't he text me?

• Ian Somerhalder ;)

Yep I'm dying!!!!

• Blackout drunk! Do I need a pill?