Teenage is a golden age for some, really troubled for some and a mix of both for the rest. It's a period when we go through changes both physically as well as mentally. Everyone is obsessed with what others think of them. They perceive themselves based on what others think of them. For the longest period of time I did too. Not a day went by when I didn't try pleasing people, changing myself, molding myself in order to gain acceptance from people and you know what I have to say about it? It's a tiresome process and the results are not even 1% worth it. Hell it's not even 0.000001 % worth it. Mind you I changed a lot of schools, so I had to start this process of people pleasing from square one at least half a dozen times. I tried so hard to fit in that I never really "fit-in". I don't know what I did but I always seem to push people's buttons. They never liked me and I'll never know why or maybe I do and don't want to accept it. Psst... Ego, it's a sad little thing. I have bend over backwards for people all my life, for people who never actually cared. Maybe I was an easy target or maybe I openly showcased my flaws. With every school I changed it was something or the other. I wore a sweater to school all year around one year just to not get mocked at my skin allergy. In another it was my weight. It's always been that. I don't know what joy people get out of fat-shamming. There were times when I would go on to an another floor, cry on the staircase and no one would even noticed I wasn't around. Teachers and students alike never liked me. For some I didn't even exist, I was that dead student who just sat there occupying space in the class and the attendance register. There's this saying If you are not liked by everyone, then you are doing something right. I don't know what I was doing right that I wasn't liked by almost everyone and in such a wider demographic. 11 schools, yep that's how many I changed and I barely have friends from any of them, only have a few and that too from the last school I studied in. As a teenager, Yes that bothered me a lot. But what could I even do? It's already a pressure to be a teenager and fit in. But if you have to do it every year in a completely new surrounding. That's just sad. People who continuously move go either way either they are completely out going or they are completely withdrawn. I was stuck mid way between going from latter to former. Being in between is never fun. This isn't the well-balanced between, the mediocre living that people are so satisfied of living. This from a teenager's point of view is their own personal hell and who likes being in hell? You eventually grow out of it as you grow older. You start to realize it doesn't matter, people don't matter, what they think of you doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day it's just you. wholesomely and completely you. Whether you like it or not. That's the deal and any day you should opt for your own demons rather than others'. It might break you, tear you apart but in the end you'll come out stronger(like a diamond in the rough), for better or for worse but it will be you. At the end of the day that's all that should matter . You and just you. Others? well they are busy following the same damn rule. If I look at the brighter side I always had a chance for a do-over, for a start-over. Each year that I moved to a different city, I could have changed who I'm and be someone I'm not and get that validation, the approval I so badly craved as a teenager. But life doesn't work that way, wherever you move, wherever you go, you are going to be you, that's a cold harsh reality one needs to learn to make peace with. You are always going to perceive yourself to be someone who you are not, someone you wish to be and more often than not you are going to fall short of it. In the end the only validation that matters is of yourself, the only acceptance that matters is of yourself. Make peace with yourself before anything else, you'll feel better. You'll sleep better. People won't admit it but they secretly and sadistically rejoice over your misery and again there's nothing you can do about it but then again you would hardly ever come to know about it since people are so good at faking sincerity and if they can fake that, voila they don't need anything else, all they have to do is just sit back, watch the ticking time bomb that you are and wait for you to run out of time. Bottom line is that self-acceptance is the best acceptance you can get. Take it and get out of that misery and the solitary confinement you've put yourself in, voluntarily. Get out of it and be genuinely happy instead of faking it. Even if you have to do it all alone it's okay. It can be scary the first time, but you'll get the hang of it and trust me on this. It's the best feeling ever. It took me all my teenage to understand that and I can finally say I'm so over it.
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